Just Being Me - Sippy: a touchin story : part 2 :D

Just Being Me - Sippy

a simple plain jane who believes Jesus is her only saviour. she has an awesome family but in need of salvation. her current addiction is 2pm but shinhwa will always remain as the love of her life.

Wednesday, October 27, 2004

a touchin story : part 2 :D

Hubby moved into mother's room and came home every
night with a strong liquor smell on him.
And me, I am buried under the guilt and self pity and could hardly breathe.
I wanted to explain to him, tell him that we are going
to have our baby soon, but each time, I saw the dead look in his eyes,
all the words I have at the brink of my mouth just fell back in.
I had rather he hit me real hard or give me a big and thorough
scolding though none of these events happening had been my fault at all.
Many days of suffocating silence went by and as the days went by,
hubby came home later and later.
The deadlock between us continues,
we were living together like strangers who don't know each other.
I am like the dead knot in his heart.
*
One day, I passed by a western restaurant, looking into the glass window,
I saw hubby and a girl sitting facing each other
and he very lightly brushed her hair for her, I understood what it meant.
After recovering from that moment of shock,
I entered the restaurant, stood in front of my hubby and stared hard at him,
not atear in my eyes.
I have nothing to say to him, and there is no need to say anything.
*
The girl looked at me, looks at hubby, stands up and wanted to go,
hubby stretched out his hand and stopped her.
He stared back at me, challenging me.
I can only hear my slow heart beat, beating, one by one as if at the brink of death.
I eventually backed down, if I had stood there any longer,
I will collapse together with the baby inside me.
*
That night, he did not come home,
he had chosen to use that as a way to indicate to me:
Following mother's death so did our love for each other.
*
He did not come home anymore after that.
Sometimes, when I returned home from work,
I can tell that the cupboard had been touched -
he had returned to take some of his stuff.
I no longer wish to call him;
the initial desire to explain everything to him vanished.
*
I lived alone; I go for my medical checkups alone,
my heart breaks again and again every time I see a guy
carefully helping his wife through the physical examination.
My office colleagues hinted to me to consider aborting the baby, I told them.
No, I will not.
I insisted on having this baby, perhaps it is my way of repaying
mother for causing her death.
*
One day, I came home and I saw hubby sitting in the living room.
The whole house was filled with cigarette smoke.
On the coffee table, there was this piece of paper.
I know what it is all about without even looking at it.
*
In the two months plus of living alone,
I have gradually learned to find peace within myself.
I looked at him, removed my hat and said:
"You wait a while, I will sign."
He looked at me, mixed feelings in his eyes, just like mine.
As I hang up my coat, I keep repeating to myself
"You cannot cry, you cannot cry..."
my eyes hurt terribly, but I refused to let tears come out from there.
*
After I hung up my coat, hubby's eyes stared fixed
at my bulging tummy.
I smiled, walked over to the coffee table and pull the paper towards me.
Without even looking at what it says,
I signed my name on it and pushed the paper to him.
"LD, you are pregnant?"
*
Since mother's accident, this is the first time he spoke to me.
I could not control my tears any further and they fell like
raindrops.
I said: "Yes, but its ok, you can leave now."
He did not go, in the dark,we sat, facing each other.
Hubby slowly moved over me, his tears wet the blanket.
In my heart, everything seems so far away,
so far that even if I sprint, I could never reach them.
*
I cannot remember how many times he repeated "sorry" to me,
I had originally thought that I would forgive him, but now I can't.
In the western restaurant, in front of that girl,
that cold look in his eyes, I will never forget, ever.
We have drawn such deep scares in each other's heart.
For me, its unintentional; for him, totally intentional.
*
I had been waiting for this moment of reconciliation,
but I realized now what had gone past is gone forever and could not be repeated.
Other than the thought of the baby inside me that would bring some warmth to my heart,
I am totally cold towards him, I no longer eat anything he buys for me,
I don't take any presents from him and I stopped talking to him.
From the moment I signed on that piece of paper,
marriage and love had vanished from my heart.
*
Sometimes, hubby will try to come into the bedroom,
but when he walks in, I will walk out to the living room.
He had no choice but to sleep in mother's room.
At night, from his room, I can hear light sounds of groaning, I kept quiet.
This used to be his trick; last time, whenever I ignore him,
he would fake illness and I will surrender and find out what is wrong with him,
he would then grab me and laugh.
He has forgotten that last time;
I cared for him and am concerned because there is love,
but now, what is there between us?
*
Hubby's groaning came on and off continuing all the
way till baby was born.
Almost everyday, he would buy something for the baby,
infant products, children products and books that kids like to read.
Bags and bags of it stacked inside his room till it is full.
I know he is trying to use this to reach out to me,
but I am no longer moved by his actions.
*
He has no choice but to lock himself in his room and I can hear his typing away on his computer keyboard,
maybe he is now addicted to web surfing,
but none of that matters to me anymore.
*
It was sometime towards the end of spring in the following year,
one late night, I screamed because of a sudden stomach pain,
hubby came rushing into the room,
its like he did not change and sleep,
and had been waiting for this moment.
He carried me and ran down the stairs, stopped a car,
holding my hand very tightly and kept wiping the sweat off my brow,
throughout the journey to the hospital.
Once we reached the hospital, he carried me and hurried into the delivery suite.
*
Lying the back of his skinny but warmth body, a thought crossed my mind:
In my lifetime, who else would love me as much as he did?
He held the delivery suite door opened and watch me go in,
his warm eyes caused me to managed a smile at him despite my contraction pain.
*
Coming out of the delivery room, hubby looked at our son, and me,
his eyes full of tears with joy and he kept smiling.
I reached out and touched his hand.
Hubby looked at me, smiling and then he slowly collapsed onto the floor.
I cried out for him in pain...
He smiled, but without opening that tired eyes of his...
I had thought that I would never shed any tear for him,
but the truth is,
I have never felt a deeper pain cutting through my body at that moment.
*
Doctor said that by the time hubby discovered he had liver cancer,
it was already in terminal stage and it was a miracle that he managed to last this long.
I asked the doctor when did he first discover he had cancer?
Doctor said about 5 months ago and consoled me saying:"
Prepare for his funeral."
I disregarded the nurse's objection and rushed home
I went into his room and checked his computer,
and a suffocating pain hits me.
*
Hubby's cancer was discovered 5 months ago, his groaning was real, and I had thought that...
the computer showed over 200 thousand words he wrote for our son:
"Son, just for you, I have persisted, to be
able to take a look at you before I fall, is my biggest wish now...
I know that in your life, you will have many happiness and maybe some setbacks,
if only I can accompany you throughout that journey, how nice would it be.
But daddy now no long has that chance.
Daddy has written inside here all the possible difficulties and problems
you may encounter during your lifetime,
when you meet with these problems,
you can refer to daddy's suggestion...
Son, after writing these 200 thousand words,
I feel as if I have accompanied you through your life journey.
To be honest, daddy is very happy.
Do love your mother, she has suffered, she is the one who loves
you most and also the one who loves me most..."
From play school to primary school, to secondary,
university, to work and even in dealing with questions of love,
everything big and small was written there.
*
Hubby has also written a letter for me:
"My dear, to marry you is my biggest happiness,
forgive me for the pain I have caused you, forgive me for not telling you my illness,
because I want to see you be in a joyful mood waiting for the arrival of our baby...
My dear, if you cried, it means that you have forgiven me and I would smile,
thank you for loving me...
These presents, I'm afraid I cannot give them to our son personally,
could you help me to give some of them to him every year,
the dates on what to give when are all written on the packaging..."
*
Going back to the hospital, hubby is still in coma.
I brought our son over and place him beside him.
I said: "Open your eyes and smile,
I want our son to remember being in the warmth of your arms..."
He struggled to open his eyes and managed a weak smile.
Our son still in his arms was happily waving his tiny hands in the air.
I press the button on the camera
and the sound of the shutter rang through the
air as tears slowly rolled down my face...
*
The end...
*
i'm so glad that people actually read the story i posted
ching hui, my friend from debate group
she read this story and asked me to email her the whole thing
i didn't cos i want to let her wait for the continuation
haha... so bad of me, rite?
i'm becomin meaner and meaner
yeah, "meanmeancp" is on the way
dun get close to her or you'll be doomed :p
another person is lucius
thanks for readin the stories in my blog
anyone elses that enjoy it?
do let me know, kays?
if not i dunno wat's the purpose of me puttin up stories here
tak ada "semangat" nak cari cerita lagi lar
haha :D
*
~HAPPY BDAY DAYZE~
*
~GOOD DAY EVERYONE~

posted by sippy @ 11:57 AM

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